Don't Hate Me, Please
by Minagi Phantom
Summary: Short sob story written in the time around the beginning of the story when Kaneki locks himself in his own house. Written for a friend of mine.


I'd been more tired in these last few days than I had been in my entire life. Darkness upon darkness had weighed down on my mind as I forgot everything that hurt inside of that apartment. Outside, the rain was pouring again.

I got out of bed with somewhat groggy movements, wobbling to the bathroom. Over the course of the last three days, it was as though my body's functionality had greatly decreased. I could barely walk around and let alone do anything in the house. When I closed the door behind me, the automatic lights turned on and I was met with my reflection. For the past 10 hours or so, my left eye had been a Kakugan - a ghoul's eye. Black upon black, and red in the middle. I couldn't leave my house.  
Even if I could cover this up simply with an eye-patch or a bandage, the thought of that sensation sent shivers of discomfort through my body. I didn't _want _to become like this. But there was no helping it. These last few days made me realize just how miserable I was. I sank down again in front of the toilet, emptying my stomach for the eleventh time that day - I had lost count of the total number. My stomach felt so empty, but everything I ate only did this to me. I had long prepared myself for the fact that I was just waiting to go berserk or die.  
That's when I heard it once again - the beeping sound of a phone. 30 text messages, 132 missed calls. All from Hide. He was probably worried around now. I knew that he wasn't going to impose on me - he knew what kind of guy I was. The last thing he wanted was to make me mad, and yet, as I fought myself to my feet and opened the bathroom door, I could hear a banging sound on the front door.  
With the last strength I had left, I grabbed onto a bandage and wrapped it around my head. The banging continued as I safely covered up my left eye. I would have to make up some clever lie later on. An injury or something…  
_Bang, bang._  
I took a step or two towards the door, all the while combing my hair down in front of the bandage with my fingers.  
_Slam, thunk._  
The sounds were getting louder, like the person was actually trying to break _through _the door.  
_Knock, knock._  
It had calmed slightly. I sensed a familiar scent as I put my hand on the doorknob. Why was it familiar? I hadn't had this sense of smell before I became… this…

"Kaneki!"  
He leaped into my arms before I could stop him, and I gave into the fatigue, collapsing against him.  
"Hide… I thought I wrote… to not come by… you have to… go…"  
My senses were tingling, my throat felt dry. I could feel the hunger as I breathed in the scent of Hide, _human. _  
"Kaneki… hey… Kaneki! Have you eaten in this past week? Oh crap… is… is your head okay? What about the rest of your wounds?" Thankfully, I had lost so much strength that I couldn't do anything to him, and I complied as he dragged me to the futon and put me down.  
"Uh… I… I need to… change the bandage on my head… think you could… uh… get one of those eye patches at the pharmacy?" My voice sounded so weak, and my head was spinning. He smelled too _good_. Like being faced with a delicious meal at a restaurant, and I didn't want him to be here.  
"Right… I'll… I'll grab something for you to eat too, I'll be back right away!"  
I heard footsteps as he left, and let myself sink back into the blackness.

_Bang! Clang!_  
This time, it resembled the sound of something being kicked and metal hitting something afterwards. Hide had most likely kicked open my door to get in as quick as possible. With his help, I got to the bathroom, and I shut the door after myself.  
_If I tell him, he's going to try to kill me… and then he'll report me… I'll probably end up eating him, too… what should I do…? Hide, run from me… please run…!  
_Out of breath, I slipped on the eye patch instead of the bandage. It was more comfortable this way. I could go on a little longer this way, so I opened the door and went out of the bathroom.

"Kaneki, why aren't you eating? You're looking awful. You probably didn't eat at all, did you?!" Hide's worried voice cut through my hazed mind, and I got tears in my eyes, turning away from him.  
"Hide… please… please go home. _Stay away from now on, don't get near me_." The coldness that I could hear in my words probably got through to Hide, as I felt him flinch at my side. Hugging myself, I looked up at his face. Did he hate me now?  
"You've… always been like this, haven't you? I don't think there has been a time when I've really understood you. You know, I might even have approached you find out, and stayed around to find out. You're a mystery, Kaneki. I hoped that it was just me, but now I know. You're not just a boy who likes books and is a bit shut-in… I've only heard your slips of the tongue so far… Kaneki, who are you? What made you like this? Why won't you let me _know _you? Don't you _trust _me?" The sound of his voice shot through me like arrows piercing my entire body. Each word was sharp and painful, clogging up my throat. I _had _to tell him, but I couldn't tell him. Hide was my very best friend, and he would despise my existence if he knew. He would hate me, and say words that hurt just as he was doing now, words that left me wanting to die. Sobbing, I threw myself at him, fighting every fiber in my body to resist biting into his skin. His scent was contaminating me with the desire to indulge in this horrid instinct.  
"It's _because _I trust you! Y-you would never… never try to hurt me… and… that would get you hurt… I need you to run away from me, _I can't tell you. _Everything will fall apart if I tell you… Hide, at least save yourself from me… I'm… not the me I was before… I'm… something bad." I had never cried like this before, and as if he protested against my words, Hide wrapped his arms around me. I could hear regret in his voice as he spoke again, my breath caught in my throat.  
"Kaneki, you're truly… a fool. You don't know how little I care. Just from your words, it's obvious that you… you don't want to hurt anyone. That's the Kaneki I know… that's the only thing I'm completely sure of. Kaneki, you're not a bad person. You're a good person who's had bad happen to him. _I'm sure of it. _I wouldn't feel the way I did if you were a horrible person. Kaneki, I… I don't think I understand you. I mean, I don't know much about your life, but when I saw you there on the side… all on your own, I couldn't help but feel a strong urge to help you out, if that makes any sense at all? I knew that I couldn't possibly comprehend what kind of things you've gone through, not in the past, and not in this past week, but one thing is true; I understand that you need help to go on. You aren't supposed to be alone."  
"Hide, what are you say-" He stopped me in the middle of my sentence by tightening his grip around me, making me jolt in surprise. The closeness was suffocating me, and I clung to his back. I just needed to raise my head… and I could reach his skin.  
"I'm saying that… that I think I love you, Kaneki. Please… won't you rely on me?"  
_Eat him-  
_"N-no!" I ripped myself out of his grip, tumbling down, landing halfway on my futon. It had been Hide's idea to sit close to the bed so I could go to sleep as quickly as possible after eating. In the end, I hadn't eaten anything. He couldn't know just _what _I had become. I wouldn't be able to hide from him anymore. But I could do nothing as he got out of his seat, crouching next to me. Before I could stop him, he pressed his lips to mine, and my fingers gripped so hard at his shoulder that my knuckles went white. If it was even possible, I felt like I just got even hungrier. As he crawled on top of my body, I bit into his lip and he pulled back with a yelp of surprise. I could taste his blood on my tongue, and my eye throbbed. I let out a pained gasp as I pressed a hand to my forehead.  
"I can't… Hide… run… please run…" What was he thinking, doing these things to me? Why didn't I hate it? On the other hand, I wish I hadn't been like this. I wish he would've kissed me before all of this went wrong…  
_I love you too, Hide._  
"Please let me see everything."  
There was an opportunity to say no. Nothing in his words indicated that he would've been angry if I had said no. In the end, I should've said that I didn't want to, but-  
"Okay…"

I don't think I ever realized how warm his hands were. Placed there on my shoulders, running up my neck to my cheek as he kissed and cared for me as no one ever had. The moment I felt a finger slip under the strap on the eye patch, I froze once again and covered my eye, trying to get his hand away.  
"H-Hide… you can't…"  
"The bandage you wore when I came was brand new. Kaneki, let me see. I trust you." Sobbing, I removed my hands from my face, and I felt his fingers pulling at the straps around my ears, leaving me gasping for air as I tightly closed my eyes. As I laid there without opening my eyes, I felt him hug me tightly, and I couldn't do anything else. I wrapped my arms around his back, slowly opening my eyes.  
"I'm sorr-"  
"It's okay."  
"Please, don't look-"  
"Kaneki."  
"P-please don't… h-hurt m-"  
"_Ken._"  
It was as if his voice finally cut through my stream of thoughts, severing my connection with all of the fears, and I looked up at him.  
"You… you used my-"  
"There's nothing wrong with you. This wasn't your fault. I… I think you're beautiful… any shape or form you might have… so we're… going to work something out, okay? I'll help you… I won't let you die…" As he said this, he took off his shirt, leaving me with only the option of covering my mouth and nose. I couldn't. _I can't. _Without a warning, he brought his arm to his mouth, and I watched how he bit until he drew blood. My vision blurred as he had me drink his blood.  
It was a long and painful process, as I constantly tried to get away or apologized to him. But he held me. He patted my head. He told me comforting words. As I refused to consume more, he reluctantly pulled his hand back, wrapping a bandage around it. He left me sitting there for a few minutes, and when he came back, the first thing he did was put me down comfortably on the futon. As he was about to walk away to sit on the couch, I grabbed onto his sleeve. I immediately pulled my hand back.  
"S-sorry, I…"  
But he understood. He crawled under the covers with me, and I leaned forward, capturing his lips with mine. It was strange. At eighteen, I still hadn't kissed someone before. To think that the first person I kissed would end up being a _guy… _I wasn't against the idea at all, no, it felt so special…  
Because Hide was my most important person.  
"Uhm… if… if you g-get to call me "Ken" now… does that mean that I…?"  
"If you would, I would love to hear you call my name."  
"H-Hideyoshi."  
I was a bit surprised at his chuckling, and he rolled on top of me, nuzzling his face against my neck.  
"As I thought, that's so unlike you… You don't have to force yourself."  
"H-hey…"

A long pause followed.

"Is it… okay, Ken?"  
This time, it was a bit easier to answer. My eye didn't hurt as much any longer.  
"Yes."


End file.
